Michael Jordan Hit a Golf Ball Into Traffic

Michael Jordan drove a golf ball into rush hour traffic last week and smashed the windshield out of a garbage truck. To get the ball back, he did thousands of consecutive cartwheels around the truck, first in a wide circle, and then in ever more narrowing circles until he reached it. When Jordan reached the truck, he phoned Karl Amonite and left a paranoid voice mail message asking for backup and then broke his phone in half like a pencil.

Imagine Michael Jordan in a Gone With the Wind-type scenario wearing an old fashioned suit getup and speaking like a wiseguy. He can walk past a stone monument and grab a chunk out of it.

In related news, Gwyneth Paltrow built a 16-barrel carburetor and installed it on her Mercedes then tuned it until the car began producing fuel and the exhaust smelled like peppermints. Imagine being run over by an excavation crane every morning.