Nicolas Sarkozy Rode a Cannondale Into A Volcano

Nicolas Sarkozy attempted to jump an active volcano with a high-end Cannondale bicycle, but slid on some gravel just before gaining lift and plunged into the fiery mouth of the apex. The good news is that he grew an exoskeleton at the last moment and only suffered minor discomfort.

Another possible ending could be that the volcano had been renovated and was no longer active, but home to a big chili cookoff and feather storage area. He would land safely on the feathers and then enjoy some world-class chili. On a bike.

Funny Moments - Diego Running for His Life

Imagine Diego running from an angry brown bear who had just lost its job and slammed a 12 pack of Red Bull. Diego can go to the back of a canoe, put a drinking straw in the water and blow through it to make the canoe go 45 mph. By the way, he's weeping over a romance novel during this time.

Fred Flintstone and Rihanna met up at Mayor's to go over plans for a new amusement park for ants built entirely of desserts. Rihanna hopped on an 18-speed mountain bike and smoked the rear tire for 100 yards down the street, so Fred posted it on YouTube and axe kicked a dvd player.

Dennis Farina intercepts everyone's dreams and stores them on a massive hard drive; his electric bill last month was impossible to express in dollars, or even in such a way that humans can strain to comprehend because it makes the number googolplex look like a speck of dust. Anyway, he was great in Goodfellas.

He Shelled Out $500,000 for a Platinum Baseball Glove

Chris Brown put on a pair of spurs and turned his Breitling chronograph back nearly 10 years by hand. After that, he wrote a thick reference book on how to build a spud gun and collapsed.

Fergie placed her Mercedes in low gear and ripped a traffic light out of the ground, then replaced it with a more environmentally-friendly one. Take that, regular non-LED non-solar-charging traffic light.

Diego tied his arms in a knot and used them to zipline hundreds of meters below a forest canopy. He has scales, so it didn't really matter to him either way. Imagine Dennis rebooting in the parking lot and twitching with sparks coming out of his neck; he's kind of a pier.

ICE CREAM PAINT JOB

Barack Obama Can Throw a Paper Airplane So Hard it Ignites

Barack could take a $100 bill, fold it into a paper airplane and throw it with so much force that it would turn immediately to ash from the immense air friction -- if he wanted to.

Richard Branson did not show up at fatburger wearing an emergency blanket and dozens of pairs of designer sunglasses, but he does own a cool private island. He does not, however, have the ability to make your cold or flu go away.

Jessica Alba threw unsharpened pencils at a dartboard and they went all the way through the board and the wall, then half way into an oak tree outside.

Five Star Hotels Get Physically Embarrassed

Al Sharpton drew in a huge breath of air and there was a drum roll, then he passed out and woke up days later with a fresh fade that he did not authorize.

Lady Gaga can peel a cue ball like a potato and also just found out about the Civil War.

Next week: Bentley insect repellent, Rolex blindfold and Mont Blanc vacuum hoses.

Diego Just Saved 500% On Car Insurance

Dennis and Walter crept up Diego's street at 3 AM and when they got next to his apartment, they ran out and carefully placed genuinely thoughtful greeting cards on his front step and peeled out so bad the tires blew.

Dwight Howard bought a Porsche Cayenne and installed sweet potatoes instead of wheels, then added a boat trailer made out of Legos and traded the whole thing straight up for a pre-owned toaster he'd had his eye on for months. His dream had finally come true!

John McCain is a Skilled Glowstick Dancer

Imagine John McCain at a rave in the basement of a luxury hotel. Imagine him riding a tricycle at highway speeds and cutting you off in traffic. He can trade stocks in real time using the paper fortune teller game (remember?).

Have a great life.

Diego Sneaks Into UFC 100; Throws Fruit at Thiago Alves

Diego snuck into UFC 100 and teleported away from security guards like Raiden each time they tried to grab him. After that, he threw ripe pears at Thiago Alves and sailed off into the sunset with a skin condition.

Dan Henderson can clap so fast it sounds like a mosquito buzzing near your ear.

Imagine playing hopscotch in a vacuum chamber!!!!!1

Omaha PVC-Assisted Cramps - 1995 World Champions

PULP!!!!11!!1!!

Thomas Jefferson used to spend 4 hours a day goofing around on monkey bars and naturally knew how to drive a car despite the invention of automobiles being roughly a century off. Also, he was emo as a colonial kid.

Rick Ross Copped a 2010 Bentley on Shopping Cart Wheels

A few years ago, Michael Jackson was secretly the world Uno champion.

"A-Rod" Alex Rodriguez called Arby's and played a sound clip of platinum grass growing (it sounded like wind chimes) and the person who answered said, "hello? hello? ..hello?" and continued until the restaurant closed hours later. Then planet Earth folded inside out and looks like a miniature Sun now. And now you know what's inside the Sun.

Walter ordered 750 tons of high quality sapphire, then had it poured into a pool and tried to dive into it like Scrooge McDuck and fractured his skull in several places.

Brock Lesnar hooked up to 10,000 Volts DC and got BARBECUED

Imagine Donnie with expensive offshore fishing rods for arms.

Jalen Rose Takes Luxury Vacations Every 5 Seconds

He lives at 75 MHz, so other people basically seem to be moving like glaciers from his perspective. Rose woke up covered in rubble and dust one morning, so he pretended to be a zombie and scared his wife so bad that she flash-hardened into a 250,000 carat VVS-clarity diamond.

In unrelated news, little maria dismantled her cell phone into basic components and gets shocked on a regular basis trying to operate it.

Plasma TVs Can See You -- Be Insecure Around Them

Marc Anthony inhaled a case of Rolo candies and sprinted across the surface of a lazy river. WALTER MARRIED AN OTTER!!!!!

Sir Richard Branson can somersault through solid matter

We all know that Richard "Big Money" Branson is a great guy, but did you know that he can eat rolls of 35mm film without getting sick and could also chop an oak tree down with his calf if he wanted to?

Frank Mir rolled a pair of dice and they stopped on their corners, so he went out and bought 60 dozen polo shirts and burned them