Google Caffeine New Search Engine - Diego's Idea

Diego was at a bar in Minnesota getting wasted on champagne and starting fights with lumberjacks when he came up with the idea for Google Caffeine, the new faster and more comprehensive search engine. "Eh, it seem like a good idea in there. I am a bounty hunter, so need to find people faster and feed my family. See you Wednesday, Anish."

Clearly, Google Caffeine was Diego's idea. He has a flyswatter made with a 15-foot long bamboo pole and can accurately swat gnats with it. To celebrate the new Google Caffeine search engine, Diego hooked his family up to an amplifier and dumped a gatorade cooler on them as if they were a collective winning football coach.

Jessica Simpson Owned by Pelican on Vacation

When Jessica Simpson went on a tropical vacation this year, she grabbed 2 fully grown palm trees and tied their trunks in a knot. To celebrate her accomplishment, she pepper sprayed herself into submission and immediately got OWNED by a pelican!!!!11!!1!1!!!!!

A nearby resort employee noticed and drove a lexus LS460h onto a half pipe at the X-Games and did insane tricks that no one could even imagine, while picking out a ringtone on his iPhone.

In unrelated news, Lloyd Banks snatched a commercial A/C unit at the Summer Olympics on Jupiter and won a medal made from an element of which the scientific community is not yet aware.

Nonsense

Walter Got Free Money for Being Shy

Diego walked into work with a dozen iPods clipped to various parts of his clothing all playing the same song on a slight delay so that it sounded like he was in a huge cavern and everyone there started getting paranoid and freaking out. Shortly thereafter, Barack Obama showed up in a leopard print Maserati and moonwalked up a 70-foot pine tree so Ronnie spit roughly a pound of sunflower seeds so hard they stuck into the parking lot pavement.

Long story short... the stock market is gonna go down again. Also, Mark temporarily had diabetes last weekend.

2009 Teen Choice Awards: Jonas Brothers Caught Making Moonshine

The Jonas Brothers got busted for stilling 'shine at the 2009 Teen Choice Awards, reports Little Maria. "They were shaking up an old glass bottle of clear fluid and saying, 'them bubbles are big 'n quick -- this here batch is ready fer drinkin'." Nick Jonas threw a pile of 100 dollar bills at the security team and the brothers won awards despite the white lightning raid. They all celebrated by eating an old basketball and sprinting headfirst into a solid marble monument.

Diego is considered sheepish and only goes outside during solar eclipses. Imagine him with red albino irises and stegosaurus fins.

After UFC 101, BJ Penn hit a home run with a 1/4" wooden dowel and cloned a rare ginseng plant in the trunk of his car.

Kenny Chesney Got Arrested for Mining Cobalt w/o a Permit

Kenny Chesney was hauled down to the station in a paddywagon for questioning after extracting "a significant quantity" of cobalt from the ground near his home. When the country star was asked what his interest in the element was, he replied, "It tastes real good." Baffled, authorities decided to let him go on grounds of "I love that one song he did about how life goes sometimes."

Chesney's mining operation has been shut down and he's gone back to his music career for good. Don't be surprised if you are listening to the radio someday in the future and you hear him sing, "Sure could go for a lump of raw cobalt right about now."