Michael Jordan Hit a Golf Ball Into Traffic

Michael Jordan drove a golf ball into rush hour traffic last week and smashed the windshield out of a garbage truck. To get the ball back, he did thousands of consecutive cartwheels around the truck, first in a wide circle, and then in ever more narrowing circles until he reached it. When Jordan reached the truck, he phoned Karl Amonite and left a paranoid voice mail message asking for backup and then broke his phone in half like a pencil.

Imagine Michael Jordan in a Gone With the Wind-type scenario wearing an old fashioned suit getup and speaking like a wiseguy. He can walk past a stone monument and grab a chunk out of it.

In related news, Gwyneth Paltrow built a 16-barrel carburetor and installed it on her Mercedes then tuned it until the car began producing fuel and the exhaust smelled like peppermints. Imagine being run over by an excavation crane every morning.

Wendy Gomez Rammed a Gas Station on Foot

Wendy Gomez was running at 750 mph (almost Mach 1) and rammed a gas station AND SHE MEANT BUSINESS so the gas station blew up from her impact. She was able to salvage a Red Bull and some scratch-off tickets from the rubble and won an all-expense-paid vacation to a location 10 feet from where she was standing.

John Madden pepper sprays himself for 15 minutes each night before bed because it makes him feel like a god. Imagine him at the gym running circles around the room jumping from machine to machine eating an ice cream sandwich on a stick. He could do that if he wanted to.

Robert Downey, Jr. Was Found Under a Bridge Today

...Reading Archie comics and doing lines of sawdust. When authorities arrived, Downey made a similar expression to the Mona Lisa and shot toward the horizon until disappearing. Did you know that Robert Downey, Jr. used to stare at the sun until his eyes were the consistency of raw egg yolks? Believe that, cousin.

Jerry Williams became a gypsy after high school and went from town to town tricking people out of money through urban-style fortune telling and rigged games of skill. Jerry Williams is now the reigning Skee-Ball champion of the universe.

Once he became the champ, he was able to buy platinum teeth, platinum eardrums, platinum kneecaps and a styrofoam torso to balance out his average density for swimming purposes.

Ashton Kutcher Drives a 2010 Prius On Rollerblade Wheels

Ashton Kutcher bought a brand new Toyota Prius and went for the rollerblade wheel conversion kit. That's all the information I'm going to share with you.