Funny Nonsense :: Diego, Walter, Money, Celebrity News

Lady Gaga has a Carbon Fiber Skeleton and a Modem

2011-02-12T23:18:00.001-05:00

You read it right. Lady Gaga got a carbon fiber skeleton installed on her lunch break from doing the backstroke through a pool of $100 bills. They also added an old dialup modem as a joke, but she doesn't know yet.

In related news, the defunct presidential palace in Egypt is being replaced by a 75,000 square foot Starbucks featuring a lazy river and mini golf. Too soon?

Skiing in Traffic? A Winter Activity for the Whole Family. Also Kevin Garnett halftime

2010-11-18T10:49:00.000-05:00

I bet you didn't see that one coming. Kevin Garnett peeled a basketball at halftime and "ate" the delicious air inside. He was too full to continue the 2nd half of the game, though. Afterwards he swan dove from ground level to a nearby balcony.

If you tell anyone about this, I swear...

Epic Faceplant Montage and Bonus Information

2010-11-14T10:18:00.001-05:00

Hopefully you enjoyed that. You are truly a sick person for laughing the whole time.

Onto the bonus info: Derek Jeter passed out in a traditional phone booth for a few hours, then woke up and immediately ran a 3 second 40 yard dash directly into a Smart car.

Diego On Mescaline at World Cup 2010

2010-06-19T13:39:00.006-04:00

Diego can bend light with his voice and used to be Republican. Also, Mel came into work one day wearing a camouflage tapout do-rag and pure lead overalls, so Dennis hit her point blank with a beanbag riot gun and she sustained no damage.

Larry Bird peeled his face off at Christmas dinner and slapped his kids 3 in a row with it in a combination Three Stooges/old Spanish pre-duel moment. After that he smashed up some Altoids and rubbed the powder all over his raw skin and face muscles & his face started shaking the way a baby's does when it hurts so bad that it can't even cry and it's building up to when they're about to scream.

Terrell Owens has Jello arms!

Imagine reaming a .0575" bore through Play-Doh and using it as a precision instrument. Georges St. Pierre spends most of his free time at pasture and owns a salt lick. What if all the cells in his body were shaped like tiny scissors that actually worked.

Conan O'Brien Knocks Out Jay Leno During Brawl

2010-01-21T09:27:00.011-05:00

Conan O'Brien has had just about enough of Jay Leno's imposing on his new late night job as host of The Tonight Show. Leno and O'Brien ran into each other in LA one morning and Conan LAID HIM OUT for being "such an asshat"!!

"He had it coming," said Conan. "I have a much better reach than Leno and my cardio is better.. Even if I hadn't knocked him out, he would have gassed early and I was planning on submitting him." When Leno came to, he was dazed and not sure what had just happened for several minutes.

There is no word whether Leno will press charges, according to a spokesperson.

Rumors have now surfaced that Conan O'Brien may be extended an offer by the UFC for a high-profile MMA fighting contract. O'Brien could not be reached for comment on this.

Leno is to receive extra makeup before his shows for the next couple of weeks to conceal the bruise and cut between his eye and upper jaw.

Diego Has Hot Chicks Visiting All The Time

2010-01-13T15:06:00.002-05:00

Diego is so cool he has hot women taking him out to get his car fixed and other delights!

His house is a 24/7 party similar to the Playboy mansion, except that he keeps the place pressurized at 88 bar since he's from a different planet. The girls have to wear antique deep sea outfits to avoid being crushed.

Charlie Sheen's Home Haunted by Civil War Soldiers

2010-01-13T15:02:00.003-05:00

Charlie Sheen awoke to the sound of Civil War soldiers arguing about rationing beans for the harsh winter. When he realized he could see through them and he wasn't having a dream, he jumped up and clung to a nearby chandelier until help arrived.

In related news, Walter just got carbon fiber eardrums installed.. he can hear so many things happening that every audible frequency from various sources are constantly being played in his mind.. it was worth the money!!

Why are you even reading this?!?!??!?!!

Lil Wayne Punked by Katie Couric during interview

2009-12-09T11:05:00.004-05:00

Lil Wayne thought he had decapitated Katie Couric on TV, but when she popped her real head out of her sweater, they both had a good laugh.

Later on, they took turns bowling with the cloned Couric head as a bowling ball. "I love to bowl," noted Wayne. Couric, unable to reach the pins with her false noggin, resorted to punting the head downlane, teeing off with a Big Bertha driver and using the shotput technique on her way to bowling a 129 to Weezy's 205.

Katie Couric's cloned head may appear in an upcoming Lil Wayne video -- keep an eye out and see if you can spot it!

Conan O'Brien Soldered a .357 Magnum to His Fridge

2009-11-02T23:53:00.002-05:00

Have you ever wanted to get a great job and make lots of money? So did Conan O'Brien, and his dream came true. Also, he takes a 20 gram horse pill vitamin each morning and washes it down with barium. Don't tell him I said so, because he'll shut off the power to my house (it has happened before).

There's more than one way to get rich, but the best way is to convince local businesses to accept Monopoly money and buy a few of the games.

A '98 Ford Windstar with political secrets.

Michael Jordan Hit a Golf Ball Into Traffic

2009-09-14T09:06:00.003-04:00

Michael Jordan drove a golf ball into rush hour traffic last week and smashed the windshield out of a garbage truck. To get the ball back, he did thousands of consecutive cartwheels around the truck, first in a wide circle, and then in ever more narrowing circles until he reached it. When Jordan reached the truck, he phoned Karl Amonite and left a paranoid voice mail message asking for backup and then broke his phone in half like a pencil.

Imagine Michael Jordan in a Gone With the Wind-type scenario wearing an old fashioned suit getup and speaking like a wiseguy. He can walk past a stone monument and grab a chunk out of it.

In related news, Gwyneth Paltrow built a 16-barrel carburetor and installed it on her Mercedes then tuned it until the car began producing fuel and the exhaust smelled like peppermints. Imagine being run over by an excavation crane every morning.

Wendy Gomez Rammed a Gas Station on Foot

2009-09-11T10:59:00.010-04:00

Wendy Gomez was running at 750 mph (almost Mach 1) and rammed a gas station AND SHE MEANT BUSINESS so the gas station blew up from her impact. She was able to salvage a Red Bull and some scratch-off tickets from the rubble and won an all-expense-paid vacation to a location 10 feet from where she was standing.

John Madden pepper sprays himself for 15 minutes each night before bed because it makes him feel like a god. Imagine him at the gym running circles around the room jumping from machine to machine eating an ice cream sandwich on a stick. He could do that if he wanted to.

Robert Downey, Jr. Was Found Under a Bridge Today

2009-09-08T20:19:00.002-04:00

...Reading Archie comics and doing lines of sawdust. When authorities arrived, Downey made a similar expression to the Mona Lisa and shot toward the horizon until disappearing. Did you know that Robert Downey, Jr. used to stare at the sun until his eyes were the consistency of raw egg yolks? Believe that, cousin.

Jerry Williams became a gypsy after high school and went from town to town tricking people out of money through urban-style fortune telling and rigged games of skill. Jerry Williams is now the reigning Skee-Ball champion of the universe.

Once he became the champ, he was able to buy platinum teeth, platinum eardrums, platinum kneecaps and a styrofoam torso to balance out his average density for swimming purposes.

Ashton Kutcher Drives a 2010 Prius On Rollerblade Wheels

2009-09-02T08:59:00.005-04:00

Ashton Kutcher bought a brand new Toyota Prius and went for the rollerblade wheel conversion kit. That's all the information I'm going to share with you.

Google Caffeine New Search Engine - Diego's Idea

2009-08-27T09:54:00.004-04:00

Diego was at a bar in Minnesota getting wasted on champagne and starting fights with lumberjacks when he came up with the idea for Google Caffeine, the new faster and more comprehensive search engine. "Eh, it seem like a good idea in there. I am a bounty hunter, so need to find people faster and feed my family. See you Wednesday, Anish."

Clearly, Google Caffeine was Diego's idea. He has a flyswatter made with a 15-foot long bamboo pole and can accurately swat gnats with it. To celebrate the new Google Caffeine search engine, Diego hooked his family up to an amplifier and dumped a gatorade cooler on them as if they were a collective winning football coach.

Jessica Simpson Owned by Pelican on Vacation

2009-08-25T09:54:00.006-04:00

When Jessica Simpson went on a tropical vacation this year, she grabbed 2 fully grown palm trees and tied their trunks in a knot. To celebrate her accomplishment, she pepper sprayed herself into submission and immediately got OWNED by a pelican!!!!11!!1!1!!!!!

A nearby resort employee noticed and drove a lexus LS460h onto a half pipe at the X-Games and did insane tricks that no one could even imagine, while picking out a ringtone on his iPhone.

In unrelated news, Lloyd Banks snatched a commercial A/C unit at the Summer Olympics on Jupiter and won a medal made from an element of which the scientific community is not yet aware.

Nonsense

Walter Got Free Money for Being Shy

2009-08-18T23:08:00.002-04:00

Diego walked into work with a dozen iPods clipped to various parts of his clothing all playing the same song on a slight delay so that it sounded like he was in a huge cavern and everyone there started getting paranoid and freaking out. Shortly thereafter, Barack Obama showed up in a leopard print Maserati and moonwalked up a 70-foot pine tree so Ronnie spit roughly a pound of sunflower seeds so hard they stuck into the parking lot pavement.

Long story short... the stock market is gonna go down again. Also, Mark temporarily had diabetes last weekend.

2009 Teen Choice Awards: Jonas Brothers Caught Making Moonshine

2009-08-11T08:36:00.004-04:00

The Jonas Brothers got busted for stilling 'shine at the 2009 Teen Choice Awards, reports Little Maria. "They were shaking up an old glass bottle of clear fluid and saying, 'them bubbles are big 'n quick -- this here batch is ready fer drinkin'." Nick Jonas threw a pile of 100 dollar bills at the security team and the brothers won awards despite the white lightning raid. They all celebrated by eating an old basketball and sprinting headfirst into a solid marble monument.

Diego is considered sheepish and only goes outside during solar eclipses. Imagine him with red albino irises and stegosaurus fins.

After UFC 101, BJ Penn hit a home run with a 1/4" wooden dowel and cloned a rare ginseng plant in the trunk of his car.

Kenny Chesney Got Arrested for Mining Cobalt w/o a Permit

2009-08-01T11:02:00.004-04:00

Kenny Chesney was hauled down to the station in a paddywagon for questioning after extracting "a significant quantity" of cobalt from the ground near his home. When the country star was asked what his interest in the element was, he replied, "It tastes real good." Baffled, authorities decided to let him go on grounds of "I love that one song he did about how life goes sometimes."

Chesney's mining operation has been shut down and he's gone back to his music career for good. Don't be surprised if you are listening to the radio someday in the future and you hear him sing, "Sure could go for a lump of raw cobalt right about now."

Nicolas Sarkozy Rode a Cannondale Into A Volcano

2009-07-29T09:23:00.002-04:00

Nicolas Sarkozy attempted to jump an active volcano with a high-end Cannondale bicycle, but slid on some gravel just before gaining lift and plunged into the fiery mouth of the apex. The good news is that he grew an exoskeleton at the last moment and only suffered minor discomfort.

Another possible ending could be that the volcano had been renovated and was no longer active, but home to a big chili cookoff and feather storage area. He would land safely on the feathers and then enjoy some world-class chili. On a bike.

Funny Moments - Diego Running for His Life

2009-07-27T12:38:00.006-04:00

Imagine Diego running from an angry brown bear who had just lost its job and slammed a 12 pack of Red Bull. Diego can go to the back of a canoe, put a drinking straw in the water and blow through it to make the canoe go 45 mph. By the way, he's weeping over a romance novel during this time.

Fred Flintstone and Rihanna met up at Mayor's to go over plans for a new amusement park for ants built entirely of desserts. Rihanna hopped on an 18-speed mountain bike and smoked the rear tire for 100 yards down the street, so Fred posted it on YouTube and axe kicked a dvd player.

Dennis Farina intercepts everyone's dreams and stores them on a massive hard drive; his electric bill last month was impossible to express in dollars, or even in such a way that humans can strain to comprehend because it makes the number googolplex look like a speck of dust. Anyway, he was great in Goodfellas.

He Shelled Out $500,000 for a Platinum Baseball Glove

2009-07-25T20:09:00.003-04:00

Chris Brown put on a pair of spurs and turned his Breitling chronograph back nearly 10 years by hand. After that, he wrote a thick reference book on how to build a spud gun and collapsed.

Fergie placed her Mercedes in low gear and ripped a traffic light out of the ground, then replaced it with a more environmentally-friendly one. Take that, regular non-LED non-solar-charging traffic light.

Diego tied his arms in a knot and used them to zipline hundreds of meters below a forest canopy. He has scales, so it didn't really matter to him either way. Imagine Dennis rebooting in the parking lot and twitching with sparks coming out of his neck; he's kind of a pier.

ICE CREAM PAINT JOB

Barack Obama Can Throw a Paper Airplane So Hard it Ignites

2009-07-21T09:05:00.004-04:00

Barack could take a $100 bill, fold it into a paper airplane and throw it with so much force that it would turn immediately to ash from the immense air friction -- if he wanted to.

Richard Branson did not show up at fatburger wearing an emergency blanket and dozens of pairs of designer sunglasses, but he does own a cool private island. He does not, however, have the ability to make your cold or flu go away.

Jessica Alba threw unsharpened pencils at a dartboard and they went all the way through the board and the wall, then half way into an oak tree outside.

Five Star Hotels Get Physically Embarrassed

2009-07-17T23:37:00.002-04:00

Al Sharpton drew in a huge breath of air and there was a drum roll, then he passed out and woke up days later with a fresh fade that he did not authorize.

Lady Gaga can peel a cue ball like a potato and also just found out about the Civil War.

Next week: Bentley insect repellent, Rolex blindfold and Mont Blanc vacuum hoses.

Diego Just Saved 500% On Car Insurance

2009-07-13T12:36:00.002-04:00

Dennis and Walter crept up Diego's street at 3 AM and when they got next to his apartment, they ran out and carefully placed genuinely thoughtful greeting cards on his front step and peeled out so bad the tires blew.

Dwight Howard bought a Porsche Cayenne and installed sweet potatoes instead of wheels, then added a boat trailer made out of Legos and traded the whole thing straight up for a pre-owned toaster he'd had his eye on for months. His dream had finally come true!

John McCain is a Skilled Glowstick Dancer

2009-07-13T12:31:00.002-04:00

Imagine John McCain at a rave in the basement of a luxury hotel. Imagine him riding a tricycle at highway speeds and cutting you off in traffic. He can trade stocks in real time using the paper fortune teller game (remember?).

Have a great life.

Diego Sneaks Into UFC 100; Throws Fruit at Thiago Alves

2009-07-12T01:57:00.003-04:00

Diego snuck into UFC 100 and teleported away from security guards like Raiden each time they tried to grab him. After that, he threw ripe pears at Thiago Alves and sailed off into the sunset with a skin condition.

Dan Henderson can clap so fast it sounds like a mosquito buzzing near your ear.

Imagine playing hopscotch in a vacuum chamber!!!!!1

Omaha PVC-Assisted Cramps - 1995 World Champions

2009-07-09T12:47:00.002-04:00

PULP!!!!11!!1!!

Thomas Jefferson used to spend 4 hours a day goofing around on monkey bars and naturally knew how to drive a car despite the invention of automobiles being roughly a century off. Also, he was emo as a colonial kid.

Rick Ross Copped a 2010 Bentley on Shopping Cart Wheels

2009-07-09T12:39:00.002-04:00

A few years ago, Michael Jackson was secretly the world Uno champion.

"A-Rod" Alex Rodriguez called Arby's and played a sound clip of platinum grass growing (it sounded like wind chimes) and the person who answered said, "hello? hello? ..hello?" and continued until the restaurant closed hours later. Then planet Earth folded inside out and looks like a miniature Sun now. And now you know what's inside the Sun.

Walter ordered 750 tons of high quality sapphire, then had it poured into a pool and tried to dive into it like Scrooge McDuck and fractured his skull in several places.

Brock Lesnar hooked up to 10,000 Volts DC and got BARBECUED

2009-07-08T09:02:00.002-04:00

Imagine Donnie with expensive offshore fishing rods for arms.

Jalen Rose Takes Luxury Vacations Every 5 Seconds

2009-07-07T02:25:00.002-04:00

He lives at 75 MHz, so other people basically seem to be moving like glaciers from his perspective. Rose woke up covered in rubble and dust one morning, so he pretended to be a zombie and scared his wife so bad that she flash-hardened into a 250,000 carat VVS-clarity diamond.

In unrelated news, little maria dismantled her cell phone into basic components and gets shocked on a regular basis trying to operate it.

Plasma TVs Can See You -- Be Insecure Around Them

2009-07-07T02:17:00.002-04:00

Marc Anthony inhaled a case of Rolo candies and sprinted across the surface of a lazy river. WALTER MARRIED AN OTTER!!!!!

Sir Richard Branson can somersault through solid matter

2009-07-02T10:01:00.002-04:00

We all know that Richard "Big Money" Branson is a great guy, but did you know that he can eat rolls of 35mm film without getting sick and could also chop an oak tree down with his calf if he wanted to?

Frank Mir rolled a pair of dice and they stopped on their corners, so he went out and bought 60 dozen polo shirts and burned them

Khadija Just Bought an iPhone and Skipped it Across Lake Michigan

2009-06-30T11:41:00.000-04:00

...All the way across, btw she can do pullups with 5 cops hanging off of her.

Carmen San Diego rented a piece of tape for 20 minutes and sent a spoof email to Travis Davis asking if he was satisfied with his current 3g network.

Imagine Shaq with 4" diameter eyes and everything else the same.

Dennis Got Rich and Plugged a USB Cable Into His Dome

2009-06-30T11:38:00.000-04:00

Lenny Kravitz was sitting indian style in an overgrown meadow covered in deadly ants and he flinched so suddenly that it made a mile-deep crater; imagine him playing a guitar accurately with a cane pole from 20 feet away in gale force winds!

Dwight Howard Eats Stainless Steel Nuts and Washers

2009-06-30T11:31:00.000-04:00

Breaking News:

Ronnie bought a '98 Celica and lifted it 2 feet on the first four stone wheels ever conceived, then stuffed the entire trunk with money and worthless stocks and did tricks like Herbie Goes Bananas shortly before being arrested by Target.

Check back for updates because Mel just put a downpayment on an Apache helicopter and invited everyone for a trip to Cuba.

Walter went to Blockbuster and verbally peeled out on the drama aisle

2009-06-29T13:40:00.000-04:00

The manager was counting the money in the cash register and her eyes turned into christmas ornaments and shattered like supernovae

Mark used to do commercials for Enron and after wrapping up one day, he put on a 10-gallon hat and flung boiling mercury all over the crew, then giggled at a frequency that caused the earth's atmosphere to turn into a plasma

Dwight Howard threw out a cast net at the mall and caught several teenagers and a security guard